Topic Tuesday: Skin Journey Part 2
It was a Friday morning and I was waiting for my coffee to brew when I felt the little bumps on my forehead. I immediately started to cry. I knew that the bumps were just the beginning and soon my whole face was going to be broken out in what looks like cystic acne. Growing up, I took a lot of pride in my skin. It was what people complimented on. It started to become my idol. I thought, “I may not be able to be skinny, but at least I have good skin”. It seemed like the one thing I could count on.
Here I am for the second time, with a horrible skin rash and my immediate thought jumped to how unlovable I was. For so long, my skin is what I found my beauty and my worth it. I know it may sound silly but it is true. I tried everything to control breaking out in another reaction. I changed all my skin care, remained on high alert to the food I was eating, and yet it happened again.
There has been a pattern in my journey: one of loss and surrender. For a year, I spent my life in bed. I gave up pretty much every food item that used to be a favorite. I have not held a traditional job since graduating college and I have given up relationships and time. I surrendered what I desired and wanted for my life: from where we live to what my day to day looks like. Nothing about my life is what I thought or what I wanted. I have lived in both complete trust I am in God’s hand and if I have to think of another day like today it may just be the end of me. Remember the “both and” I shared about? My story has been one of “both and”. It has been both hard and joyful; painful and beautiful; devastating and rewarding.
I wish I could sit here and tell you I discovered why I was having the skin reaction and I feel better. I am still processing, maybe for the first time, the toll that this journey has had on me. In all honesty, I feel completely and totally exhausted. Worn out from the constant stress and awareness of my health and from the fear of what is going to happen next.
I fought, everyday for the past 7 years to feel better, to stay better but now I need to believe I actually can get there. Yes, I may never feel perfect, because I am human, but I do not need to live in this lie that I will never feel good. That the work, and the sacrifices are for nothing, as they are not. I have seen tremendous healing, and SO much good comes from this journey. Remind yourself today that the sacrifices, the pain, is not for nothing!