Some of you may remember me sharing about my rosacea flareup a couple months ago. Since then, I had another flare-up which honestly felt like a little more than I could handle at the time. The first time it occurred we thought it was from a supplement I was taking. For this one, I had been off the supplement for about a month. We realized it could not have been the root cause and something else must be causing it.
Due to my previous health issues, when something new health-wise happens, it brings up significant angst and trepidation. I try to share the positive in everything but there have been some really dark times on my journey. Days when I questioned what the point of living or nights where my friends were out having fun and I was crying myself to sleep because of the pain and anxiety from not knowing what was wrong. The years of working my butt off in the gym and watching what I ate to see the number on the scale continue to increase. The fear over food as I struggled with whether my stomach could tolerate something. All of these things: the pain, the worry, the stress, the anxiety, and the depression do not go away. I have spent most of my adult life not feeling well. The effects of the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional taxation were real.
When something seemingly little, like a skin reaction happens, a lot is brought up in both my heart and mind: the fear and what if’s. The thought of will it ever go away? What did I do wrong? Am I just destined to never be well?
There is balance for me. I must allow myself to feel but not allow my view of myself to shape, drive, and control me. I can be deceived by feelings, feelings of unworthiness, hopeless, and that I am unlovable. I can sit in the dark, the despair, the sadness and sometimes I allow myself to sit in it too long. Luckily, life keeps giving me ways to continue to practice how I can live in the frustration, sadness, and the truth. The truth that yes this is hard but it will not destroy me.
Maybe today you are finding yourself living in the darkness: the what if’s, the worst case scenarios, the lies that you are not enough, or this is forever. I just want to encourage you to find light because there is hope. Yes, there is a time and need to lament but do not park yourself in hopelessness.